the process

• the structure is about practices and restrictions easing over time.

complications due to estrangement

• A lot of people assume grief after estrangement is simpler (“you weren’t close, so it’s not as bad”),
• but often it’s the opposite: there’s no settled relationship to mourn, so you’re grieving and reconstructing a connection to him at the same time. That’s heavier work, not lighter.
• my narrative has been flipped on its head
• and why
• because i had a moment of love
• because it is not acceptable to focus on negatives and only positives

avoiding disgrace

• lust is a powerful emotion that is clear and not difficult like other ones should be working on

downtime

• celebrating is like dancing on his grave which is not appropriate
• this plays into the “no live music thing”
• a certain seriousness needs to be at play when others enjoying themselves

unsorted

• i think the haircut is a nod to restrictions

• my weeping is intermittent and delayed because i need to reconnect with him

• i want to adopt those things about him that are good, strong and worthy.
• you are looking for honesty not perfection